Forgiving the Ancestors

I have written before of the extraordinary pain and suffering caused by intractable conflicts and the cycle of violence that can go on for generations. Why is it that some conflicts are never truly finished and what would it take to completely heal them? Is such a thing even possible for human beings? Indeed, some of us are so cynical and resigned about conflict, especially long-term, deeply embedded conflicts, that we despair about the possibility of this kind of fighting ever being truly resolved or mended. And yet, individual human beings and even families and small groups have found it possible to create enduring peace after deep conflict, so why is it so unthinkable that larger groups caught up in multi-generational conflicts could find their way out of brutish and cruel conflict? The question I am really asking here is, "Is it possible to transfer the lessons of individuals, from the so-called micro level and apply them to the so-called macro level of affairs?"

We tend to divide up our understanding of the how the world works into the arena of the individual and personal (the micro level) and the level of the large group/nation/state or ethnic group (the macro level) and we tend to think that affairs in these realms operate very differently. Certainly they are different in scale. Studies in the academic arena actually divide them into different fields of study. The individual/family realm is studied in psychology and sociology; relationships in the macro realm are studied in political science and these are seen as distinct and different fields. But I don't think they are so different and maybe these fields have a lot to learn from each other, especially when it comes to creating peace and resolving some of these horrific conflicts that go on and on and on.

In 2003 when I made my first trip to Israel/Palestine, I knew very little about the conflict there. I had no ties to that land by blood or religion or ethnicity. I simply showed up out of curiosity. Boy, was I in for a shock! There was much I did not know about the history of the conflict between the Israeli Jews and the Palestinians so I simply could not participate in the endless arguments about historical facts that seem to be so characteristic of this conflict. Nevertheless, there was something hauntingly familiar to me about being in the Holy Land. What was it? It was as if it was in the air we were breathing. In the trip I was on, (sponsored and led by The Compassionate Listening Project) we went back and forth listening to stories of suffering by Israelis and Palestinians. I finally realized that why this place felt so familiar to me, (despite its outward strangeness of appearance and custom) was that it reminded me of my family! We're right. No we're right. We've suffered more than you have. No, we've suffered more than you have. I understood this rhetoric in my bones.

And because I have reconciled with my the majority of my family members and found a real family again after many years of discord and division, I believe that peace is possible. I used to characterize my family to friends, jokingly, as being like Bosnia. I did that to cover up my deep seated anguish at being cut-out of my family and cut off from them for so many years. Truthfully, it was the deepest pain I've ever known in my life. And healing with them was the most challenging thing, and the most miraculous and most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I believe that human beings were meant to live in community. We need each other. Conflict is, I think, natural. Violence, hatred, exile, and cruelty are not. It is possible to heal the wounds of the past. It is possible to develop skills in which we learn to listen to deeply to each other, to hear how what we have done in the past has been experienced by those on the other side. And it is possible to take responsibility and to make right these hurts, these wrongs of the past. It is possible to find a new, more loving and respectful way of living together.

After my first trip to Israel/Palestine I became so fascinated by that conflict that I read everything I could about the origins and history of that fight that will not be done. I returned to Israel/Palestine again in 2004 and it continues to occupy a central place in my thinking. One of the most interesting phenomena about this conflict is the extraordinary way it polarizes people into sides, even here in the United States. Almost without fail, very intelligent, rational, highly educated people who gather to talk about this conflict very quickly fall into an argumentative rhetoric about facts and which version of history is the right one. Almost before you know it, emotion is flying around the room and very sane people are taking one side and blaming the other. These discussions quickly deteriorate, far too often, into designating one side, often the Palestinians as the victims of all-powerful perpetrators, the Israelis. But then, the Israelis and Jews in the room, immediately feel victimized by that rhetoric and launch into defense mode. The attack is on and no one can open their hearts to the other side.

This conflict is not being driven by thoughtful, objective people. I grant you that many people seem rational and objective on the surface, but in reality they are not. They, both Israeli Jews and Palestinians, are being driven by myth and stories of past trauma that have been inherited and passed down year after year. And these stories of trauma fuel the current cycles of violence, retaliation and revenge which create more fodder for future stories and myths. No one seems to know how to break out of this vicious cycle. There is nothing unusual or different about the people involved in this conflict. If you or I had been raised in either of these cultures and grown up hearing these trauma stories passed down to us since the time we were little children, we too would be reacting just like the Israelis and the Palestinians have been reacting for the past fifty plus years. There is no room for superiority and judgment here. What is needed is new ways of thinking.

I was at an Advanced Training of the Compassionate Listening Project a few weeks ago and in that project an exercise was held to simulate a highly emotionally charged issue, so that these facilitators-in-training might learn ways to deal with issues when they things get heated in the room. The theme chosen for the simulation was the question of whether or not the new Hamas government should be supported or not by the Israeli government. A friend of mine who was born in Israel and grew up there in the 1930's and 1940's participated in the exercise. As the exercise came to a close she was telling stories of her experience living in poverty in Israel during those years. Suddenly she turned to the group and said in anguish, "I have asked myself over and over again. I have searched for answers. I have prayed and meditated about it and written in my journal and studied and searched for the roots of this conflict. We didn't hate the Arabs then. We were just trying to survive. We were so poor. What went wrong? What went wrong?" I will never forget the look on my friend's face as she looked up at us and the simulation ended. Indeed, that is the question, what did go wrong?

Llast night I was talking to a Palestinian gentleman that I know who has lived in the United States for many years. He was born in Jerusalem and goes back there from time to time to visit relatives. He told me recently that he has nieces living in Jordan who admitted to him on his last visit that they have considered becoming suicide bombers, so desperate are they to make a difference in the endless conflict with the Israelis. I was talking to this man after he attended a fundraising event for the Compassionate Listening Project. I found my friend in despair. Rather than inspiring him, the event had brought the conflict home to him and made him angrier and made him feel more hopeless and powerless than ever. He cannot see any progress at all in this interminable conflict. He has lost too many friends and family. I asked him if I could listen to his story. "I'm too angry," he said, "No one wants to listen to me being angry." I replied, "I do and I will."

There is so much suffering going on as a result of this conflict alone, and these are just two tiny little experiences of people here in the U.S. This doesn't even begin to touch the suffering going on in Israel/Palestine itself, nor in the intractable conflicts all over the globe: in Sudan, in Congo, in Rwanda/Burundi, in Liberia, in Nigeria, in Sri Lanka, in Colombia and elsewhere.
I find the conflict in Israel/Palestine particularly fascinating because I actually think it is ripe for healing and new approaches. One of these approaches is what I call forgiving the ancestors. The I/P conflict is a natural for creative interventions for several reasons: the territory of the area is small; the time frame for the actual conflict is very specific (from 1880 to the present); and many people who were alive for signifcant parts of the conflict are still alive. There are also many, many people who are sick of the conflict and there are huge economic costs to continuing the conflict.

My Israeli friend's question, "What went wrong?" is a fascinating one. The conflict in Palestine started in the 1880's when Zionist Jews from Europe, to escape pogroms and persecution there, began emigrating to Israel and buying up land there. At first the colonies were small and the local Arabs farming the land didn't raise too much of a fuss at the numbers of Jews arriving to buy land and live there. However, as the numbers of arriving Jews began to shift the population balance, local Arabs began to get worried and disturbed. After the Balfour Declaration and the British protectorate was established in 1917, a subtle shift in power happened with the British giving somewhat more protection to the Jews. The Arabs turned, for the first time to violence, and acts of terrorism took place throughout the 20's and 30's. With the Holocaust, the numbers of Jews seeking a homeland and safety increased dramatically. And so events culminated in the declaration of the United Nations giving a homeland to Israel, followed by the War of Independence and the famous Nakba, the Catastrophe from which the Palestinian people have never recovered.

The roots of the I/P conflict were sown during these years and in all the events that happened after them. Two differing versions of history have arisen and it is this that the two peoples still fight over, as if one were right and one were wrong. My proposal is entirely different: what is needed here, I think, is to embrace the worldview of the actual human beings, both Jews and Palestinians, who were living in those critical times and who took the actions and made the fateful decisions that sowed the seeds for the conflict we have today. Who were these people? They were the fathers and mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers, great grandfathers and great grandmothers, uncles, aunts of people alive today. If they were Jewish, they came to the land now known as Israel, once known as Palestine, seeking a better life. They came because they sought safety and security for themselves and their children. They were tired of being hunted and persecuted. As my friend testifies, most people in the early days were pioneers, many were literally scratching out a living from the land, and it seems, poverty was rampant. When people are focused on safety and security and taking care of their families, there is little room for generosity and overtures of kindness towards others who are already on the land. As for the Arabs who were living on the land, many of them were poor, some of them were literate, some were not, but they were clearly non-plussed by the increasing numbers of Jews arriving in their land. Their lands were being sold out from under them by absentee landlords. We know this from studies of Palestinian newspapers from the early years of the twentieth century. Nevertheless, despite their unhappiness with the steady influx of Jewish pioneers, the resident Arab population was never able to mount an effective protest againtst the encroaching Jewish wave of immigrants. They were never able to negotiate with them or effectively say, "Hey, this is not okay, we don't like it." They were a tribal people who were powerless to deal with their very westernized, more sophisticated interlopers. The conflict was real however, and this powerlessness took the form of terrorism and violent acts throughout the 20's and 30's and the British seemed powerless to stop it.

Now here's the critical question: were the grandmothers and grandfathers of the past who carved out a living for themselves or who tried to resist the incoming Jews bad people? Did they do it wrong? Nonsense! These were men and women who were doing the best they knew how to do at the time. If the new immigrants had had the energy to negotiate with the Arabs, if they had even recognized that their arrival constitued a threat to the people already on the land, they might have made different choices but they did not. Their focus was on feeding themselves and building a new country. For whatever reasons, the Arabs living on the land were not empowered enough to mount an effective protest and to make their voices heard with the incoming Jews. Nobody knew how to talk to each other. Nobody knew how to listen to each other. Most importantly, it was apparently not on anyone's radar screen back then that this was vitally important to do and if it wasn't attended to it would create huge problems in the future. (Actually a few people like Martin Buber foresaw the problem but no one paid them any attention.)

So the ancestors plowed on, doing the things they had to do to survive, carrying out the actions that they thought they had to carry out, doing the best they could. And some of it resulted in acts that still have consequences today. Is it worth blaming the ancestors over this? I think not. I think it is time to forgive the ancestors. I think it is time to let them go and let them rest. They did the best they could, at every moment they did, and each of us, is always doing the very best we can to make the best of the present situation. Let us bless them for their gifts to us and let them sleep in deepest peace. It is up to us, those of us alive today to relinquish the past, and especially the myths and stories of suffering of the past, the blame and resentment and the game of who is right and who is wrong and who has suffered more, and it's time to get on with life and create a new future for our grandchildren and for future generations. Let us create a new future without war, a future full of forgivenss and healing and empowerment, where our children can play and we can sit under the grape arbors and drink wine together in the sun. This is completely possible. Listening to each other is a place to begin.

Can Elders Show Us the Way to Peace?

An article in the NY Times titled, "Grannies Charged in Peace Protest Are Acquitted" which appeared on April 27 aroused a number of feelings in me from admiration to anger. The article described the trial of a number of elderly women in New York City who, last October, entered a military recruiting station and said they wanted to enlist; some of them had canes or used walkers. This was a protest against the Iraq War and they were arrested and charged with blocking access to the station. In the trial last week, all were acquitted because they were willing to step aside and let anyone else in who wanted to enlist. The writer of the article made many parallels of the trial of these women to the classic Hollywood movie Miracle on 34th Street and suggested that grannyhood was on trial, similar to putting Kris Kringle in the docket. Definitely a no-win situation and surprise, surprise, the grandmothers were all acquitted.

Now whence came my admiration and why my anger? I remember when these women were arrested that I was impressed with their action and thought then, "They haven't gone far enough." Or perhaps more correctly, for their action to be really effective it would take a lot more grandmothers and grandfathers to take similar kinds of actions on-goingly to really make a difference. At best this was a minor diversion and unfortunately it has been turned into an amusement by the press. The comparison of these women's courageous action to a 1940's Hollywood movie served to diminish it, to undercut it. The spin cast on the trial and on their actions by the NY Times reporter made it all seem very cute and I got rather annoyed. "Damn it all," I thought, "war is not cute." And the action these women took was not cute. It was brave. The problem is that it was so isolated. We just need more of it. Lots, lots more.

We can easily ignore the actions of these women because we ignore or dismiss the elderly in our society. They literally have no role in giving us their advice or their wisdom in how to live. How very different this is from other cultures where the elderly are still revered, where adult children fight over which one can take care of their aging parent as they do on Okinawa So, according to the NY Times reporter in this article, I would conclude that all grandmothers, and I guess grandfathers too, are good for, is to give gifts and goodies to grandchildren. What nonsense! I may not be a grandmother (never having had children of my own) but I am, at the age of 58, definitely growing into the role of an elder and I have a lot to say and a tremendous amount to contribute. I have a lot of living left to do and I won't be dismissed. All of the living that we beings of a certain age, have done is an invaluable resource to the world, and the world needs to draw on these resources if the planet is to survive its present addictions to violence, greed and exploitation of its resources.

What does all this have to do with making peace? My friends who have had children tell me that giving birth and raising children arouses the deepest love a human being can know. The bond between mother and child, they have told me, is so sweet, so deep, so fierce, that no other love even comes close. Although I chose not to have children of my own, the maternal instinct has been alive and well inside me and I worked with children of all ages throughout my long career as a nurse. Beyond that, once I began to heal from my own life wounds, I began to fall more and more in love with life itself, with the natural world, with animals, with the very beingness of life. There is some way in which, despite never having had a baby, I understand this extraordinary love of a mother for her child, because I feel a similar fierce and piercing love for life itself, for all of life. It is this mixed awe, joy, sorrow and ecstatic love for all of it that has made me wonder why it is that we offer up our young people, 17, 18, 19 years old, our best and brightest, on the altar of war? I have often imagined what I would do if I had a son or daughter and war broke out and my child were summoned to war. What would I do? I think the idea of losing my child in the insanity of war would kill me, just absolutely kill me. It boggles my mind that we send these children, whom we birthed, whom we love as we love no other, off to kill and to be killed before the cannons of war! I would place myself in front of the cannons before I would let a child of mine go off into the theater of war.

Oh, well, easy for you to say. You've never had a child! What do you know? What if your child inisists on enlisting? What if the country is being invaded? Children once they grow up are no longer your property---they are adults, they have minds of their own. They are called on to defend our freedoms. We need the strongest, most able bodied people we have and those, unfortunately, are our young people. Did it ever occur to anyone, the polititians, the generals, to the electorate, that this is insanity?? We are always so ready to run off to war, like it's some grand and glorious game, some heroic exercise that will bring us thrills beyong belief. If it's so wonderful, so worth doing, then why don't the polititians, the senators, the congressmen, the generals, all these people in their forties and fifties and sixties, go and fight these battles themselves? Why in hell are we willing to sacrifice the lives and the limbs of our children?? I'm sorry, I don't get it!

I say hurray to the grandmothers who got arrested in Times Square. If only there had been hundreds of thousands more of them. If only there were thousands of them (us), grandmothers, grandfathers, mothers and fathers, getting arrested every day, refusing to allow our kids to be sacrificed, would the war machines continue to roll? I don't think so. So this has to do with honoring and valuing life itself. That is a gift that elders can bring. Perhaps this is peculiarly a female role. I'm not sure. It certainly is not new, as witnessed by the play from ancient Greece, Lysistrata, where the women, so sick of endless war, withheld sex from their husbands and lovers. The war, apparently, quickly came to an end. Those women knew what was more important: the continuation of life itself. Similarly, people who are committed to ending hunger on this planet have recognized the critical role of women in that struggle. When women are engaged in the fight to end hunger, great progress is made.

There is something about having been around for a while on this earth, having loved and lost. You learn a few things. You learn what's worth dying over and what's not. You learn that there are more creative and interesting ways to deal with conflict. Thich Nhat Hahn, a wise and gifted Buddhist teacher, saw many of his spiritual brothers and students killed during the Vietnam war and that war left an indelible imprint on him. Today, Thay, as he is known to his students, teaches from his retreat center at Plum Village in France and at retreats all over the world, many of them to veterans of war. His small book, Calming the Fearful Mind, is his response to terrorism, written after 9/11 and describes the compassionate listening that is practiced in the Plum Village community. At Plum Village they bring creativity and compassion to conflict with exquisite results. Why can't we learn this? Thich Nhat Hahn is an elder. He offers his teaching to us.

I attended a Passover Seder recently as a guest of some Jewish friends and heard this wonderful updated translation of the familiar Dayenu prayer there. This comes from the Jewish sage and elder Arthur Waskow:

What miracles and accomplishments would be sufficient (Dayyenu) in today's world for us to be truly satisfied?

For if we were to end a single genocide but not stop the other wars that are killing people, it would not be enough.
If we ended those bloody wars but did not disarm the nations of the weapons that would destroy all of humanity, it would not be enough.
If we disarmed the nations but did not end the pollution of our planet, it would not be enough.
If we ended the poisoning of our planet but did not prevent some people from wallowing in luxury while others starved, it would not be enough.
If we made sure that no one starved but did not end police brutality, it would not be enough.
If we freed the poets from their jails but cramped the minds of the people so that they could not understand the poets, it would not be enough.
If all people could understand the creative poets but could not explore their own inner ecstasies, it would not be enough.
If people could explore their inner ecstasies but were not allowed to love one another and share in all humanity it would not be enough.

And only when all human beings have all these things, have food and shelter and human rights are available to all will it be enough. (my summary of the long ending)

Truly, elders have so much to teach us, so much to give that perhaps we might say they are the way-showers to peace. Who might we turn to today, with love and gratitude, for their counsel and wisdom?

Questions of Inquiry:
1. Who do you know in your world who is an elder? How do you treat/revere and respect the elders in your world?
2. Are you an emerging elder? If so, how can you gracefully assume that mantle and speak with power and dignity when in that role?