Sunday, June 18, 2006

Self Compassion for Peacemakers

People who are concerned about the state of the planet spend a lot of time and energy giving to others to make their visions a reality. We tend to be the ones that more cynical types call bleeding heart liberals, tree huggers and other not-so-nice epithets to put down the love and compassion that flows so freely from us, or sometimes, the judgment and hypocrisy that they also see coming from us. No matter. There is however, one way which all of us who care about the current situation of the world, frequently find ourselves in but rarely talk about. Whether we are right wing or left wing, whether we are activists or take a more embracing stance, all of us suffer from one common disease: we get very tired. And we get discouraged. To put it bluntly ---we get burned out.

Being in the throes of my own case of burn out and exhaustion lately, I've been taking a long, hard look at this issue and have been surprised at what I've been learning. I've actually been stunned by what I've seen. I would like to share that with you. Caring passionately about the future of the world and the people in it, as I do, I tend to attract and surround myself with other people who also share the same passion. And I've noticed that all of us give of our energies quite selflessly. We listen to people who have been marginalized and forgotten. We raise money and give money to causes we support. We sign petitions and go on marches and attend rallies. We go on trips and delegations to third world countries to see what is actually going on in conflict-torn regions. We start non-profits and shore up sinking non-profits and sit on boards of directors or volunteer for NGO's we believe in. We listen to the problems of people who are not making it or barely making it in this world. We pour out huge amounts of energy and at the end of the day we come home to our own homes and families and sometimes we are so tired we can barely lift our heads.

There is a dark side here that I want to expose to the light of day. I got into peace work because it drew me, because it made me feel totally alive and it thrilled me to make a difference in the world. It still does. For me, to express love and compassion in the world, especially for people who are suffering feels as natural as breathing. But the obstacles to the transformation of the violence, greed and hatred in the world and the things that block empowerment and aliveness are many, and I get stopped far more often than I would like. I find myself calling myself a failure, thinking I have done it all wrong, and sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed or do the things I promised I would do that day.

What I have discovered is that other people do this also, whether or not they are engaged in peacework or not. All human beings beat up on themselves in one way or another. We are all in need of compassion.

I see that it is so easy for me to be generous and loving to other people and it is very difficult to be loving and generous to myself. I simply don't know how to be compassionate to myself.

I had a tremendous awakening about this ten days ago. I had been in deep despair because I had been unable to find a job and have been living in fear, picturing myself plunging into poverty. Some friends confronted me about my unwillingness to receive feedback and be open to their help. I saw that they were right. I was so closed about this that, in fact I had closed off my passion for my peace work. I literally could not fulfill my committments and promises in that realm. That felt awful. I examined this more deeply and meditated on it. Suddenly I saw the degree to which I had been criticizing myself and making myself wrong the past few months. I had literally been calling myself names, comparing myself with others who were doing life right while I was doing it all wrong. I saw that this war on myself had to stop immediately. Then and there I made one of the most important committments of my life. I made a pledge to God and to my highest Self. I vowed to become a peacemaker internally as well as externally, and that both forms of peacemaking had to be equal in importance and value.

I got my test the next day when I got a severe migraine. I spent all day in bed sending love to the headache pain and to the nausea that comes with my migraines. As I did that I saw that there was no difference between me and anyone in the third world or in any country anywhere else in the world. I had been holding the idea that only service somewhere in the third world really counted as a contribution to the world. i had been telling myself that staying safely here in Seattle was not really a contribution to the world. But now I saw that there is absolutely no difference between offering love to myself and offering it to anyone else in the world. Just because I seem to begin and end with the barrier of my skin is an illusion. We are all deeply connected in far more ways that any of us understands.

I resolved that I would no longer trash myself in any way, no more self-criticisms, no more comparing myself to others, that my internal landscape would be sunny and bright and loving. "Aha, now I'll be happy," I thought. So I began diligently practicing a profound kind of self-love this week and yet, funny thing, I was still have languishung in pools of muck and despair. What gives? More lessons to be learned . . . Boy, God just won't let up with these lessons!

As I began to inquire more deeply, I turned to one of my favorite writers for guidance, the well known Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. I started re-reading one of her books that I love, When Things Fall Apart, because that is certainly how my life was feeling to me. And as I read, I began to find a deep peace inside myself. I noticed that way back, in the recesses of my mind, were some very old beliefs surfacing. Underneath my loving and gentle thoughts to myself, and the forswearing of self-criticism, were old, very old beliefs that must have arisen when I was a young child, thoughts like: "I'm no good"; "I'll never succeed at anything"; "I can't do anything right;" "I fail at everything I do." I noticed these thoughts and began to extend compassion to myself for having made up such thoughts in the first place. Such powerful thoughts! Such untruths!

Now I see that I can trade these thoughts in for new, more realistic beliefs about myself, ones that reflect my true loving nature, my generous heart. When I do that I immediately feel better. The question is, for all us would-be peacemakers, indeed for all of us alive on the planet, how do we extend compassion to ourselves when such hurtful thoughts kick in so automatically and unconsciously into our minds? How can we identify them? How can we lovingly counter them? How can we extend deep compassion to ourselves and choose a more peaceful way of being in the world?

I have a feeling that as we all become more loving to ourselves, we will automatically create a more loving planet, just by that action alone. How could we hurt another human being if we were being unfailingly kind to ourselves?

Questions of Inquiry:
1. Do you think the ways we hurt ourselves in our own minds are related to external acts of violence?

2. How can we go about practicing self-compassion routinely in our lives?

3. How do you practice self-compassion when you are with other people? How can you practice it when you are alone?

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